Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
