I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
