my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
