Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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