If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
