guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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