woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
