Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
