i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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