It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
