You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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