Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
