I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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