Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
