Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
