i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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