I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
