jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
