i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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