This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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