Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
