I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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