I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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