i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
