How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
