Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
