R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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