The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize