So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
