i would punch a child for taco bell
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize