Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
