I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
