My sheets look like a crime scene.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
