i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
