Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Randomize
