Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
