So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
