Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
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