I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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