I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
BRING THE BAGELS
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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