She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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