Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
