Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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