I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize