If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
