Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
