why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
