I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
