the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You left your phone here
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