oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
you had me at cake vodka
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
