so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
