I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
People in love make me want to vomit
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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