i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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