i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
