just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
