I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
