soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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